“It is the basic principle of spiritual life that we learn the deepest things in unknown territory. Often it is when we feel most confused inwardly and are in the midst of our greatest difficulties that something new will open. We awaken most easily to the mystery of life through our weakest side. The areas of our greatest strength, where we are the most competent and clearest, tend to keep us away from the mystery.”
– Jack Kornfield
In 18 minutes you will learn an awful lot about the greatest moral challenges facing us today (the trafficking and exploitation of people and maternal mortality) – this TED talk is by Sheryl Wudunn author of ‘Half the Sky’ you may be shocked by what you hear but hopefully the challenges posed will make you consider living for a cause greater than yourself!
I picked up a book the other day detailing various studies about how sex is used as a weapon against women. One of the chapters was about gang rape in Phnom Penh or bauk, as it is called which means ‘plus’ in Khmer. Reading this I was reminded of a documentary I saw in Cambodia interviewing men who participate in bauk and the women who had suffered from bauk, often helpless and sometimes by as many as 30 men. It was one of the most traumatic things I have ever seen; I was saddened and enraged.
Sex workers helpless as young men ‘bond’ in gang rape outings
An act of so-called “bonding” for some left thousands of women broken; physically and emotionally scarred, empty and in pain.
The article (2003) details how gang rape is now one of the most popular after-dark pastimes.
A survey of young people in Phnom Penh found that only 13.4 per cent of women and 13.7 per cent of men regarded bauk as rape.
People think prostitutes are volunteers [this often isn’t the case in Cambodia] and men believe it gives them the right to do with them as they wish with little or no regard for the implications. One man was quoted as saying
They’ve had sex so many times it doesn’t make any difference. It’s not like we’re handling virgin goods.
Watching the documentary I became aware of one of the darkest sides of sexual abuse where men exert such power over women in such a devastating way. I had heard about but it took me back to a day 2 years ago where I learned of much more common and ‘accepted’ attitudes towards the treatment of women.
This was when I first learned about the Khmer proverb, which is also the title of this blog. I started writing this in 2009 but I was so overwhelmed, appalled and confused by what I learned, at the time that I couldn’t find a way to articulate it so it just stayed as a draft in my blog. I wanted to communicate what I was learning, what some of the struggles are in Cambodian society and perhaps address why that might be. But on the flip side I was also wary of leaving people with a very negative perception of Khmer society. Cambodia is a beautiful country home to some of the most humble, gentle and kind people I have ever met and there are many beautiful aspects of their society and culture. The reality is that each society or community has it’s struggles.
But, as I read this chapter on the research conducted in Cambodia and the motives driving these men to carry out bauk it was once again at the forefront of my mind.
Lately it’s been hard to know what to blog about, what stories or experiences to share. Truth is there is so much. I was talking with someone and realised that public blogging can be incredibly powerful and informative but also it only reveals a snapshot of life at one moment in time and it’s completely subjective based on your perceptions, your experiences.
When I joined the HIV Education and Prevention team with TASK this week we went to some of the urban poor areas surrounding the city and into the backstreets close to the garment factories to talk with workers and their partners, or husbands. I listened to the TASK staff educate many about the risks of HIV/AIDS but one particular conversation I will never forget. A man was wearing a t-shirt with a red ribbon on and we asked if him what he knew about AIDS and other STIs. He seemed to know more than most and was very willing to talk to us and share his experiences, his wife was standing just behind him inside the house. He openly exclaimed that he needed to be more careful and make sure that he was protecting himself when he slept with other women because he didn’t know if they carried any infections and he didn’t want to pass anything onto his wife. I sat there bewildered, totally confused. He was so open, it seemed…normal. I wondered if it was normal. I sat there looking at his wife trying to imagine how she must feel, although she appeared unaffected I had no doubt that inside she was reeling, angry and hurt but for a reason unknown to me at the time she was unable to express these feelings.
I remember talking to many people about what I heard that day and in the weeks that followed, trying to make sense of it. I talked with Cambodians and expats I knew and some who worked directly with women who were vulnerable to exploitation and abuse. I realised that it was
‘normal’ and often accepted for men to have multiple partners and many even hold the view that it is not possible to survive with just one girl. I started to understand the realities of this Cambodian proverb:
Men are like gold, women are like white cloth
Young girls and women who survive rape and sexual abuse have to cope with discriminatory attitudes reflected in this Cambodian saying. Once stained, they can never be fully cleaned.
The conversation with the man we encountered that day, 2 years ago, will always stay with me because my eyes were opened to a problem that has devastating affects on peoples lives. It has impacted me on a personal level to in relationships I have had.
Things must change and attitudes need to be challenged, women need people willing to stand alongside them, advocate for them and be their voice when they are silent for fear of abuse, abandonment or worse. The Guardian article I quoted was written in 2003 and since then things have changed, there is a greater awareness of these incidences and many people are trying to challenge attitudes, educate and protect those most at risk. But there is still a long way to go.
The context:
Sex before marriage is frowned on and girls who lose their virginity are considered “srey koic” (fallen women).
Prostitution although outlawed by the law, is generally tolerated.
Brothels can be found in most towns and cities and young Khmer boys may even be introduced to their first experience of sex by being taken to a brothel by a relative or friend.
While the Khmer Rouge created a man made catastrophe in the 1970’s the true tragedy today is that there is a legacy of destruction and assault on the most innocent and vulnerable of Cambodia’s people.
It is not uncommon for young girls who have been raped and trafficked into the sex trade to despair of returning to normal life or marriage and see no other choice but to become voluntary sex workers.
I love that my role with Mother’s Heart takes me out into the community – to little pockets all around Phnom Penh. Communities which remain invisible to most people because these are the communities which make up the backstreets of Phnom Penh…Off the main roads, down an alley way or two and through a maze of narrow paths or streets. These are the homes of the city’s poor – the urban poor, often forgotten because they are unseen, hidden away in the backstreets. These are the communities where our women live. I love being here, I get lost in the smiles and the playfulness of the children running about… These communities may not be rich, financially, but they are rich in ways we do not know, they are full of life and filled with a sense of community; people share their homes, their food and their time with one another and many sacrifices are made.
It’s also a life I can only imagine as my life is worlds apart and it’s becoming easier and easier to live in this more comfortable, parallel existence here in Phnom Penh becoming apathetic, tired and just unable to give anymore. But this niggling question keeps coming up again and again – what do I want my life to look like? What do I want to give my energy to? Where should I invest my love? I’ve had a glimpse of it before but I know that even if I was to choose to live alongside the poor and chose to live a life stripped of all my comforts I still wouldn’t be able to fully understand their reality. But as I step into it and again soak it all up I am reminded of just how much I have to learn.
As I’m sitting there in a home of one of the women being supported, loved and empowered through the work of Mother’s Heart I try to imagine how much strength and courage it would take to be walk a mile in her shoes…I admire her determination and her strength of character and I am thankful for my colleagues at Mother’s Heart – the midwives/social workers/counselors who give their all to see these women’s lives transformed and restored, to see the women realize their unique value and worth. Each of these women we encounter have a story so unique, many have been through hell and back but watching the staff work alongside them, encouraging them, building them up, showing them they are precious and valued is amazing to see. Each time I step into their world it’s a wake-up call or reality check, whatever you want to call it, to my somewhat comfortable life here in Cambodia and a reminder of the kind of people I want to give me life to.
I sit across from the mother, she is listening attentively to the advice we give her and holding her brand new, precious daughter, she lives in a home which consists of one room and shares this one room with 10 others but despite the basic (and I mean basic) living conditions I know she is okay – she has hope and a community alongside her.
It’s hot in Cambodia! Today the heat really got to me – 37 degrees with 88% humidity. It’s hot, really hot. Let me emphasize….so hot that I am still pouring sweat in air conditioned rooms; my hair is constantly wet and sticks to the back of my neck; I am seeking out the coldest air-con I can find for some relief from the stifling heat; I need 3/4 showers a day and possibly as many clothing changes (I think my landlords think this is strange that my clothes change so frequently which I could put down to the weather but I also think it’s a habit I’ve had for a while…)!
It’s days like these that make me want to wear as little as possible and really dislike the fact that I should (?) dress somewhat modestly or risk offending some people or getting creepy looks from others. But now the seasons changing here from dry to wet…as I sit in a coffee shop hiding from the heat and the sudden downpour I am reminded that the season is changing, it’s exciting. I love how dramatic the weather is here. Tomorrow (Monday) is another holiday – this time it’s National Ploughing Ceremony. I did a little research and found out that it is an ancient royal tradition dating back to the 13th century and marks the beginning of the rice growing season also the rainy season.
It is also the season for one of the most delicious fruits ever created – the mango – mangoes are everywhere in many colours (pale yellow, golden yellow, green, yellow and red), shapes and sizes! But soon mango season will end and so the rains today have reminded me to take full advantage of them this week in all their varieties. Possible photos to come!
These are some of the things that bring me pure joy, lift my spirits and bring light in darkness.
Joy is prayer – Joy is strength – Joy is love – Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls – Mother Theresa
A little girl I met while doing Nutrition screenings a while back. We used her house for the screenings. She was very proud of her family and ran into her house to grab a whole bunch of photos of her mother who wasn't there that day.
At one of many bathroom stops we saw these boys behind the gas station playing outside their home which was also next to the public bathroom. Their smiles were radiant.
Seeing the sunset and sunrise in Cambodia brings me so much - wherever you are city/province if you just take a minute you can find so much beauty and peace
My friends Grace and Liep were staying in this beautiful little spot by the beach, as the light filled our room we woke up and went outside to see the sun rising - it was beautiful and I got to share it with two special friends.
Reflective - Kep is the perfect space for bringing you back to life when so much about life here can drain you, I love being by the sea or on water, I love the peace that comes with it
Boat trips alongside nature and peaceful untouched communities along the banks of a great river - so many wonders
I took some photos at one of Phnom Penh's hospitals in the maternity ward for a health magazine focused on Maternal Health. I love the joy that a new life can bring!
My amazing church community in Phnom Penh and yes we were selling hotdogs in Cambodia, they loved them
House church community brunch on Dan and Amanda's balcony something that brings me so much joy with some amazing friends!
My special Texan friend Amie who left Cambodia a couple of weeks ago - you are missed!!!
These beautiful Orchids were in Chiang Mai, Thailand but Cambodia has some of it's own beauties - orchids, frangipanis and jasmine
My little friend - Zecheria. So mischievous, fun and full of energy. Spending time with these little treasures brings me joy!
Another little cheeky treasure - Benny, well two here - my friend Navy - Benny's Mum
There are some things I really want to share but sometimes I can’t find the words to describe exactly how I feel…so I am stealing my friend Eileen’s as she wrote it beautifully a few days ago. A week ago today my dear friend Leak lost her husband and their son Zecheria, his father. She is a loyal and compassionate friend to me and many others and a wonderful mother. This is a special family to me here in Cambodia and I care about them deeply. As a family they have been a constant presence and encouragement in my life; my support and community when I have been through struggles. Pisey will be missed immeasurably – his smile, his enthusiasm, his dedication to helping people through his work, his determination and playfulness.
“…you’re not alone.”
May 10, 2011The white tent was set up and traditional funeral music chimed through the streets. The sense of loss and grief hung thick in the air. Everyone is dressed in white shirts. Somber faces and tear stained eyes. People sitting around tables snacking on watermelon seeds dyed red…the pinkness of their fingers an indication of how long they’d been sitting there. Past the tables and into the house where the musicians sit with their instruments and a man reciting Khmer prayers. People sit at a table and take donations to help pay for the funeral.
All of this I notice and take in even though I’ve been to Cambodian funerals before….
It’s my friend Leak sitting cross-legged beside her dead husband, Pisey that makes me catch my breath. I’m overwhelmed with the reality of it all. Here sits a young mother and wife who all of a sudden has lost her lover…her protector…her supporter….her partner in life. Alone with a 2 year old son to raise on her own. A woman who lost her father to a brain aneurysm only two years ago. My heart is stirred and emotions burst forward as friends and family sit with her and whispered words of encouragement and hope. I heard one friend say, “We are gonna help you….you’re not alone.”
What impacted me the most was seeing how much Pisey’s family valued and honored those who came to pay their respects to Pisey. In the midst of their grief and lost, they were making sure people had water and somewhere to sit. Thanking people for coming. My flipflops went missing when I took them off to go into the house. Pisey’s father searched for my shoes and then went and got me an extra pair to wear. All I could think about was “Who cares! Its just a pair of old flipflops! Your son just died and you are doing all this for me.” I was touched and it got me thinking about how Cambodian people are so incredibly kind. Hospitable. Loving. Thoughtful.
Its incredible to see the difference that Jesus makes in these situations though. Tonight we will have a memorial service at church and celebrate Pisey’s life because we know he is at rest with his Heavenly Father…whole and healed and where God wants him to be. This tragedy has brought up conversations that center around some of the most difficult aspects of God to grasp. Why didn’t God heal Pisey? The prayers and pleads to God were plentiful and sincere. But God did heal Pisey…just not in the way that we wanted. Pisey now has a new and perfect body with not an ounce of cancer anywhere near him. He has not a stitch of pain or discomfort. No fears or tears. Sometimes God’s will isn’t to heal but His will is always that all the glory and praise would be given to Him and that through EVERYTHING that happens here on earth…that it would bring people to Him.
Cancer is a work of the devil and has no mercy on its victims. Pisey was finally diagnosed with lymphoma cancer not long ago. It progressed rapidly and there was little warning that the end was so soon. A lack of knowledge and honesty from the doctors in Phnom Penh brought many misdiagnosis’ and with no training in palliative care…it was difficult to see Pisey in so much pain at the end.
I echo my dear friend Charlotte’s words in an email she recently sent out to friends and family back home…“I feel deeply saddened by the injustice of the health system in Cambodia and the impact that this has on the Cambodian people. Please pray that Cambodia will raise up a new generation of skilled medical practitioners who can rebuild trust. Pray that these doctors and nurses would value communication and honesty over ‘saving face’ and that in someway Pisey’s life would be a catalyst for change!”
As we move through life we all experience change, adjustments and the unexpected events that sometimes life bombards us with.
But I am talking about the smaller changes; whether it’s change of location, change of job, new and evolving friendships or mourning for friendships we once had etc…But in my case the change the occur as a result of choice. I have been thinking a lot about my choice to live in Cambodia for much of the last 2 years, to invest in community and relationships here and how I should balance my current reality with my other world, back in the UK? Much of my life has been lived in England, it’s where my roots are, my family and oldest friends but as I pursue my passions here in Cambodia and equip myself to work in a developing country long-term I realise I will probably often be living in two worlds…two very different realities.
How do you balance these two worlds while living in the present? How do you deal with the contrasts of life – the contrasts within a developing country – is their a ‘right’ way to live as an expat? How and who do you invest your time in? Will you be in touch with the issues of the day here, the issues of your friends and family back home, or will you retreat live in your own little world in your new home because your own world is more than enough to comprehend? How do you get a good, healthy, balance?
Caught between two worlds. Feeling uprooted and out of place, longing for the very things that seem out of reach. Feelings of hope, happiness, fear, pure joy, confusion, isolation, detachment, homesickness. You’re only too familiar with such feelings.
You may be tormented by memories of what you left behind or by what you unexpectedly experience…and how do your friends and family back home begin to catch up with these experiences and how they shape you as a person? And more relevant and personal to me right now – how do I live here in Cambodia while still supporting my Mum as she goes through cancer and post-cancer treatment?
Really, honestly the list is endless and I am just thinking out loud…
This past month I spent working with local NGO Samaritans Purse on their health and nutrition program. Part of their activities involves mass nutrition screenings assessing children up to the age of 5 years as well as pregnant women. Samaritans Purse have been conducting these screenings in several relocation sites around the outskirts of Phnom Penh.
Weighing a child at the screening
Relocations are increasing in Asian cities due to the rapid urbanization of urban areas. In Phnom Penh 23 land evictions have been carried out. The redevelopment of urban areas in Phnom Penh are seen as necessary are seen as necessary to compete on the global market but what about the rights of the people? What about governments realizing responsibility for the consequences of their actions?
Since living in Cambodia I have struggled to understand why there is so little consideration made for the impact that these mass evictions have on the livelihoods of so many of the urban poor. I recently read a report which estimated that in the 1980s alone 7 million Asian’s were forcibly evicted from their homes.
Increased poverty typically results from forced evictions. People are taken further away from their sources of employment and education. It is also likely that there will be inadequate or no infrastructure – sewage, drainage, electricity, clean water, education and health care. Children are particularly vulnerable and are dying from preventable diseases. One of these communities is Andong village – a community who were forcibly evicted 5 years ago, 23 km from their original location in Sambok Chap, central Phnom Penh. This community is prone to severe flooding in the rainy season and far from the clean water grid. Only recently has a clean water course been installed for the some 1380 families. This community had, by far, the highest rates for severe and moderate malnourishment among the communities we assessed.
Housing in the relocation sites
A while back I lived with a young family – including two brothers and a sister – who had been forcibly evicted from their homes as their community was burnt out in the middle of the night. They lost all of their possessions including the only photos they had of their parents who had previously died. I cannot imagine the feelings of anger, bitterness and sheer disbelief that would result from being treated like this?
The injustice of forced evictions and the consequences is difficult to process. To me it’s profoundly unjust. But this is a story of hope that I want to share…as we carried out the screenings some of the staff of the NGO decided to do medical examinations of the children in addition to checking their nutrition status. We found a number of children with congenital heart defects – conditions present at birth. The first child, I had seen (a little girl, 4 years old) and my instincts were telling me something was wrong but with no medical background – what did I know, right? I asked Tharanga, the Doctor and Manager of the team, to check her out and he quickly identified a serious heart defect which means she is unlikely to live long. Yesterday I was able to meet with a cardiologist and present the 3 worst cases to him, on behalf of the NGO. AHC see hundreds of children everyday and it was inspiring to see the hope given to these children.
Angkor Hospital for Children
Dr Lyda, the Cardiologist, is hopeful that they can operate on at least two of the children; a 4 year old and a 2 year old and our hope is that the third – a 6 year old boy with a very serious condition called Tetralogy of Fallot will be also operable.
Dr Lyda was telling me that they hope to increase the number of heart surgeries and are in the process of trying to raise funds to support the development of a new operating theater and equipment. Currently the hospital only has 1 theater and it desperately needs another one! If you want to support AHC please check out their website and if you live in Cambodia they always need blood donors too!
Agape 